I had thought about all of these grand things that I might want to say today. I had this big plan to write something great since my dad has been gone for five years now. Five years. Such a long time. So many things have changed in the last five years. I have changed in so many ways. The bottom line is when you lose a parent a chunk of you is lost with them. Although you carry on, you vow to live out some portion of your life for them, something is missing from that day forward. Something pretty big. And a piece of everything you do is missing.
Every single season, every single event, every single life change can bring back that feeling, that distinct feeling of loss that I endured five years ago today. That feeling can be there around any corner, when I least expect it. However now I'm able to release the tears when I need to and know my dad is out there somewhere, everywhere, still guiding me, still loving me, still there, just like he always was.
I've said it several times and I truly believe I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not learned the lessons I did with this loss. Things like this can make you bitter or they can make you better and I know this made me better. No matter how upset it can get me. Loss of a life in someone close to you should teach you the preciousness of the life still around you. Should teach you the blessings you had in having that person with you for the time that you did. I no longer question why it happened, because I 100% believe we don't just come here to live and die, I believe there is something so much bigger going on that none of us could possibly fully understand. I have much more peace about it than I’ve ever had before. Are there times that I still get really upset and wish he were here? Absolutely. The majority of the time I just know he’s always there. That he’s in this amazing place that we’re all just kind of waiting to get to. But when times get rough and I struggle with not having him here I talk to him, I pray about him, I think about the kind of place he might be in now. How happy he is when he sees me happy, how he probably laughs when I do, and the strength he provides me when I’m down.
I think about the power of love between a Father and his daughter and how not even death can break that. It lives on every single day and I can see it in so many things. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned in the past five years. For all those times I fell and was picked up again. For the woman I have become and for the changes I continue to make. All because I lit a fire with the love he had to leave behind.
I saw the quote below tonight and I absolutely believe this. Because there are certain things that can open that scar tissue and the wound is as big as it was on day one....
Love and miss you forever and ever Amen.
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