Monday, December 31, 2012
Photo a Day - January
Last year I tried several months to try and keep up with a challenege called "Photo a Day" created by a blogger called Fat Mum Slim. I always fell off and didn't take the pictures, but this year I'm challenging myself to tak a photo a day using her guideline. I post them to instagram #photoaday2013ah but I thought I would post them here as well. Here's January's list!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Four the Record
Writing used to really make me feel better. I say used to because I stopped doing it, not because it lost it's 'healing powers,' but because time gets away. It's funny how the mind, the heart, the soul works. It has it's own timer. You don't remind it how you felt on a certain day or a certain time years ago. It remembers itself, it has it's own clock. It remembers the season, it remembers the smell in the air, it remembers the songs that played on the radio, it remembers everything. So without fail these things trigger the mind, the soul, the heart and they take you back to that place. The place of tragedy, the place of loss, the place it can never forget, without your permission. It takes a while for you to catch up with it too. It's been four years since my father passed away; April 3rd 2008. I'm just now getting 'used' to this uncontrollable cycle. To know why I feel the way I do, and to know that it's okay to let myself go through it each year.
I'm a spring, summer, and early fall type of girl. I do not like the cold for any reason. Snow is only good on Christmas and that is IT. So by February the winter blues are setting in and I am itching for the sun, for green leaves, birds chirping and the sun that I begin to miss so much. For the last few years my love for the coming of spring is mixed with a horribly sluggish and melancholy feeling. The first few years I was unsure of why I felt that way, of course I knew my dad's birthday was coming up and the anniversary was right around the corner, but it wasn't like I walked around all day thinking about it. I always miss my dad but I don't obsess about it like I did in the first year after he passed away. However, every year after he passed this feeling came. Each year after April 3rd I'd visit the cemetery I'd let out my grief and I felt like I could breathe again; I was letting out that lump that gathered in my chest over the preceding few weeks. I'd look towards the sun and know that my dad was shinning down, wanting me to enjoy my life. Each year I'd replace that melancholy feeling with an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart. For my dad, for my family, for my life, I just felt the weight lifted off my shoulders and it always felt amazing.
This year being the fourth year, I felt like I finally knew what it was. I felt like I've always beat myself up over it. I'm not always the most pleasant person to be around during this time. When the feeling of sadness comes, it comes quick. It cripples me almost. It's uncontrollable. I know it doesn't always make sense to other people, and I've always understood that. I love hearing when it doesn't make sense to other people because that more than likely means they've never had to go through something like it. I struggled a lot with it this year. A LOT. At the end of it though, I feel better than I have in years past. Why? Because I accept it now. It's a part of me, maybe it'll get better in the years to come, but I no longer have to feel bad about how it makes me feel or feel crazy. Every single person I've talked to that has lost a parent goes through their own version of the same exact feelings.
I've always been the person to suck up my sorrows and put on a happy face for people. I've always been the person that plans everything and puts everything together for everyone. I like being that person. However, I know now that I don't always HAVE to be that person if I'm going through my "beginning of the spring time blues." I lost my dad. The man who always, from day one, loved me unconditionally. That's gone forever. That's a huge thing. I don't have to feel bad about having mood swings around the time of his birthday and death. People who love me understand me and accept me and might go the extra mile just to make me smile in the month of March. If I get annoyed or frustrated it's known that it's never on purpose. There's something under the surface, something extremely delicate. Something that will stay forever because a daughter's love for her father is unbreakable, even in death.
I wanted to write a letter to my dad, because sometimes I feel like he's disappointed. Sometimes I feel like he... You know what scratch that. I don't think he's disappointed. Maybe he's sorry with me. Maybe he wishes all the same things I do. He however knows the importance of moving on. So here's my letter to you dad.
Dear Daddy,
I have to tell you the most exciting news first! UK won the NCAA tournament!!!!! I followed them in the tournament this year and EVEN bought a t-shirt. If you're not proud of anything I've done in the past four years I'm sure your proud of that! kidding only kidding.
I miss you. Sometimes I miss you so much it's ridiculous. I've become this totally different woman than I was the last time you saw me. I only listen to country music. I have cowgirl boots. I even do shots of whiskey from time to time. You and I would have an absolute ball together these days. The funny part is this girl has always been inside of me, unfortunately you got sick when I was 24, before I got out of my late stage rebellion period, the pictures of me in baggy jeans still get a laugh out of people though. I have a confession to make too, I can barely listen to rap music anymore. I know I know. Believe it or not it's true. We all have stages, I'm sure you did too.
I told you the last day I saw you that I'd make you proud, I know I did. If nothing else for the person I've become. Lord knows I still need work, and I work everyday at it. I get away from doing the things I love sometimes, but I think of you. I think of maybe how you might do things differently if you had more time, or if you knew you'd only get 53 years to be here. Most of the time I try to 'use' your death to remind me what it means to live. What the important things are in life and what's not important. Sometimes I think if you were still here, there's a chance I wouldn't have figured out what means the most. I've gotten myself out and done some amazing things. I volunteered in New Orleans to help rebuild the city after the hurricane. I mentored a little girl, helped her with her homework, took her out away from her crazy family (even though I know you wouldn't approve of me driving through OTR to pick her up.) I've volunteered on Thanksgiving to sit and eat with homeless people so they didn't feel alone on a holiday. I've had my hand in other events too and I wonder if I would have done those if you wouldn't have taught me how precious life is, how blessed I've been to have you at all. Hopefully in the years to come I can do more.
Oh and more exciting news. I'm finally with a man that you would approve of. Remember when you said you wanted to see me with a nice country Campbell County boy? Well I went for an amazing country Alabama boy. I feel like I outdid your request. I think that's why I missed you more this year. Why I had a harder time this year. Love and daddies and distance and missing you and missing him is quite the thing to deal with around this time of year. You know this is a first for me (being with someone I'd be proud to introduce you to,) so I didn't always do the best in dealing with it but Lord knows I did the best I could. I ask for your help with that in the years to come, because this one is a keeper. I have a hard time because I can see you and him and Jimmy drinking beers out by the pool, or at camp or fishing. You would love him I know it. It would have meant the world to me to introduce him to you. It's so unfair that I can't. He teases me the way you used to tease Judy. Just to get a rise out of her. I remember how you always told Mark and Eric that if they met someone that they really liked, they really wanted to be with, that they needed to put that woman on a pedestal above all else, the way you treated Judy. I can see myself finally being that woman with him. It's really a great feeling and I see now that, that is all you ever wanted for me.
I miss your laugh. It was always so contagious. I miss you sense of humor. You could make anyone laugh. I miss having you there when I needed advise about work about men about anything. I would give anything to have a beer with you, you had never seen me drunk and I know you wanted to, just so you could laugh at me I'm sure :) I'm a sports fanatic now, I'd love to sit and watch a game with you again. At the times I get down the most it's because I'm not enjoying something I know you would love to be able to do with me and we never got the chance. There is so much we never got the chance to do together and it's sad, but we can't let it hold us back now, can we? If there's another side I bet you're wishing all the same things. I bet you're thinking about how many laughs we've missed. How many good times we could be having. We can smile and wish they happened, but we can't keep crying because they didn't.
I love you daddy, forever and ever amen.
I'm sure my self timer will go off next year, again with out my permission, but each year I'm sure I'll handle it better than the last. This is most definitely a never ending journey, that makes more and more 'sense' as I live it. This is me and I've struggled a lot with how I'm 'supposed' to handle this. Am I too upset? Do other people feel this way? How am I supposed to feel? What's the right way to heal? Is this or that normal? I've learned there is no right way, and every so often you'll learn something new about your own process, your own healing, and that's okay. It's nothing to constantly feel guilty about or uneasy about. It's a cycle that doesn't end at 1 years or 2 years or even 15 years. I can't expect to understand the process overnight, I have to live it. Most importantly I have to learn from it or all of this would have been in vain.
I'm a spring, summer, and early fall type of girl. I do not like the cold for any reason. Snow is only good on Christmas and that is IT. So by February the winter blues are setting in and I am itching for the sun, for green leaves, birds chirping and the sun that I begin to miss so much. For the last few years my love for the coming of spring is mixed with a horribly sluggish and melancholy feeling. The first few years I was unsure of why I felt that way, of course I knew my dad's birthday was coming up and the anniversary was right around the corner, but it wasn't like I walked around all day thinking about it. I always miss my dad but I don't obsess about it like I did in the first year after he passed away. However, every year after he passed this feeling came. Each year after April 3rd I'd visit the cemetery I'd let out my grief and I felt like I could breathe again; I was letting out that lump that gathered in my chest over the preceding few weeks. I'd look towards the sun and know that my dad was shinning down, wanting me to enjoy my life. Each year I'd replace that melancholy feeling with an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart. For my dad, for my family, for my life, I just felt the weight lifted off my shoulders and it always felt amazing.
This year being the fourth year, I felt like I finally knew what it was. I felt like I've always beat myself up over it. I'm not always the most pleasant person to be around during this time. When the feeling of sadness comes, it comes quick. It cripples me almost. It's uncontrollable. I know it doesn't always make sense to other people, and I've always understood that. I love hearing when it doesn't make sense to other people because that more than likely means they've never had to go through something like it. I struggled a lot with it this year. A LOT. At the end of it though, I feel better than I have in years past. Why? Because I accept it now. It's a part of me, maybe it'll get better in the years to come, but I no longer have to feel bad about how it makes me feel or feel crazy. Every single person I've talked to that has lost a parent goes through their own version of the same exact feelings.
I've always been the person to suck up my sorrows and put on a happy face for people. I've always been the person that plans everything and puts everything together for everyone. I like being that person. However, I know now that I don't always HAVE to be that person if I'm going through my "beginning of the spring time blues." I lost my dad. The man who always, from day one, loved me unconditionally. That's gone forever. That's a huge thing. I don't have to feel bad about having mood swings around the time of his birthday and death. People who love me understand me and accept me and might go the extra mile just to make me smile in the month of March. If I get annoyed or frustrated it's known that it's never on purpose. There's something under the surface, something extremely delicate. Something that will stay forever because a daughter's love for her father is unbreakable, even in death.
I wanted to write a letter to my dad, because sometimes I feel like he's disappointed. Sometimes I feel like he... You know what scratch that. I don't think he's disappointed. Maybe he's sorry with me. Maybe he wishes all the same things I do. He however knows the importance of moving on. So here's my letter to you dad.
Dear Daddy,
I have to tell you the most exciting news first! UK won the NCAA tournament!!!!! I followed them in the tournament this year and EVEN bought a t-shirt. If you're not proud of anything I've done in the past four years I'm sure your proud of that! kidding only kidding.
I miss you. Sometimes I miss you so much it's ridiculous. I've become this totally different woman than I was the last time you saw me. I only listen to country music. I have cowgirl boots. I even do shots of whiskey from time to time. You and I would have an absolute ball together these days. The funny part is this girl has always been inside of me, unfortunately you got sick when I was 24, before I got out of my late stage rebellion period, the pictures of me in baggy jeans still get a laugh out of people though. I have a confession to make too, I can barely listen to rap music anymore. I know I know. Believe it or not it's true. We all have stages, I'm sure you did too.
I told you the last day I saw you that I'd make you proud, I know I did. If nothing else for the person I've become. Lord knows I still need work, and I work everyday at it. I get away from doing the things I love sometimes, but I think of you. I think of maybe how you might do things differently if you had more time, or if you knew you'd only get 53 years to be here. Most of the time I try to 'use' your death to remind me what it means to live. What the important things are in life and what's not important. Sometimes I think if you were still here, there's a chance I wouldn't have figured out what means the most. I've gotten myself out and done some amazing things. I volunteered in New Orleans to help rebuild the city after the hurricane. I mentored a little girl, helped her with her homework, took her out away from her crazy family (even though I know you wouldn't approve of me driving through OTR to pick her up.) I've volunteered on Thanksgiving to sit and eat with homeless people so they didn't feel alone on a holiday. I've had my hand in other events too and I wonder if I would have done those if you wouldn't have taught me how precious life is, how blessed I've been to have you at all. Hopefully in the years to come I can do more.
Oh and more exciting news. I'm finally with a man that you would approve of. Remember when you said you wanted to see me with a nice country Campbell County boy? Well I went for an amazing country Alabama boy. I feel like I outdid your request. I think that's why I missed you more this year. Why I had a harder time this year. Love and daddies and distance and missing you and missing him is quite the thing to deal with around this time of year. You know this is a first for me (being with someone I'd be proud to introduce you to,) so I didn't always do the best in dealing with it but Lord knows I did the best I could. I ask for your help with that in the years to come, because this one is a keeper. I have a hard time because I can see you and him and Jimmy drinking beers out by the pool, or at camp or fishing. You would love him I know it. It would have meant the world to me to introduce him to you. It's so unfair that I can't. He teases me the way you used to tease Judy. Just to get a rise out of her. I remember how you always told Mark and Eric that if they met someone that they really liked, they really wanted to be with, that they needed to put that woman on a pedestal above all else, the way you treated Judy. I can see myself finally being that woman with him. It's really a great feeling and I see now that, that is all you ever wanted for me.
I miss your laugh. It was always so contagious. I miss you sense of humor. You could make anyone laugh. I miss having you there when I needed advise about work about men about anything. I would give anything to have a beer with you, you had never seen me drunk and I know you wanted to, just so you could laugh at me I'm sure :) I'm a sports fanatic now, I'd love to sit and watch a game with you again. At the times I get down the most it's because I'm not enjoying something I know you would love to be able to do with me and we never got the chance. There is so much we never got the chance to do together and it's sad, but we can't let it hold us back now, can we? If there's another side I bet you're wishing all the same things. I bet you're thinking about how many laughs we've missed. How many good times we could be having. We can smile and wish they happened, but we can't keep crying because they didn't.
I love you daddy, forever and ever amen.
I'm sure my self timer will go off next year, again with out my permission, but each year I'm sure I'll handle it better than the last. This is most definitely a never ending journey, that makes more and more 'sense' as I live it. This is me and I've struggled a lot with how I'm 'supposed' to handle this. Am I too upset? Do other people feel this way? How am I supposed to feel? What's the right way to heal? Is this or that normal? I've learned there is no right way, and every so often you'll learn something new about your own process, your own healing, and that's okay. It's nothing to constantly feel guilty about or uneasy about. It's a cycle that doesn't end at 1 years or 2 years or even 15 years. I can't expect to understand the process overnight, I have to live it. Most importantly I have to learn from it or all of this would have been in vain.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Sleep in Peace Momo
I don’t even know where to start. I laid awake for the past two nights thinking about all the fun times we had together. All the conversations we had about life,about your mom and my dad, gone too soon. How no one else understood us unless they suffered the same loss; glad we had each other’s shoulder to lean on. And here I am, with no shoulder, no crutch,no Momo.
I didn’t only consider you my brother but my best male friend in the world. I could tell you anything and I knew it was safe with you and it wouldn’t be judged. You were one of the few people who knew the real me, you could always read me like a book. You'd call and I'd try my best to hide a bad day or a broken heart and you would just know and say "what's wrong" and you'd talk me through it. You had told me more than once that there were things about yourself that you could only tell me. I kept your secrets, always will and I loved you with all of your flaws. You lifted me up every time I was down. You could make me smile no matter how upset I was. Losing the only man in the world that knew the real me, just isn't fair.
One of my favorite memories with you was the year my mom was out of town on mother’s day so I tried my best to make you this big home cooked Puerto Rican meal. The Pollo Fricassee was really good and so was the rice but the plantains or plantanos hahaha not so much. We tried like 4 times to get them right and burned the shit out of ourselves with hot grease. Either way it was a really good day. Your birthday party at Gameworks was another one of my favorites too. To see the surprise and joy on your face was priceless. I had never seen you so happy before and you really deserved it. Or Amanda’s birthday at PF Changs when we were all highly intoxicated and harassed our waiter for putting us at the coldest table in the restaurant. New Years Eve last year when you FINALLY taught me how to salsa dance to Rihanna. Or the story of how we met in the first place. We both worked in 24 hour banking and a crazy Mary Kay lady called and you got the call, she was looking for me and wanted me to sell Mary Kay. So everyday from then on you'd IM me, e-mail me or come over to my desk to let me know my Mary Kay, Cover Girl, Loreal, whatever was ready for pick up. Or when you moved in with me for a week. I almost made a blog about how horrible of anidea it was to move in with your best male friend. In one weeks time, you ate 18 of my ice cream sandwiches, left the TV and DVD play on every single night, not once did you put the toilet seat down, left clean laundry on the laundry room floor, sang as loud as you could in the shower, locked my cat in your closet for at least 12 hours, and you failed to mention to me when you moved out, lol. We also went to the movies and you wore my Kids Olympics gold medal around your neck and stuck your chest out at everyone so they'd see it :) I know there were more on the list but I can’t remember them. I would give anything to have that back and as much as I wanted to drop kick you then, I can smile about it now.
Sometimes I don’t think you realized how much joy you brought to those around you. I don’t know that you realized that was one of your many gifts in life. You were always goofing off always making sure those around you were smiling. I alwaysadmired how you excelled at everything you did. You never did anything half assed. You were a banker at US Bank, but you were always top 5%. You moved up to manager and your team was top 5%. You got into MMA and you put your whole heart and soul into it. You were an amazing poet, singer, writer, friend, uncle, brother, son, the list could go on. You over came so much in your life and I was always proud of what you had made for yourself. It hurts my heart to know I will never see what you could have made of yourself someday, because I know you were destine for greatness.
I will miss our pizza parties and Kat Williams marathons. I will miss you doing the butterfly to peanut butter jelly time. I will miss you making fun of me and my strawberry cupcakes. I will miss your incredible contagious smile. I will miss calling you a dirty Mexican and you calling me a dirty hillbilly. I will miss you making fun of the racks on my truck and me asking you how many tacos you’d had for the day. I will miss bee bopin’ (which I said the other day and immediately started crying.) I will miss posting ridiculous pictures of Kobe Bryant to your FaceBook wall. I will definitely miss our facebook banter. I will miss meeting up and watching basketball at the levee. I will miss our ice cream dates. I will miss going back and forth with you about that little gorilla lookin' man Manny Pacquiao (who I will be rooting for now.) I will miss your absolutely hilarious voicemails. I will miss our conversations via sametime(well I already did.) I will miss you singing you are my sunshine randomly. I will miss your Martin, Jerome in the house, impersonations. I will miss your hilarious impersonations of your daddy, whom I know you loved so much. I will miss your rants in Spanish that no one could understand. We didn't talk quite as much as we used to in the last 4 months as we did before. Man I didn't realize how much I missed you until now. A piece of my heart left with you. I forgot how much fun we had together and how much I laughed every single day with you.
I looked through some of our FaceBook banter for a laugh and I found that you told me you missed me a few months back and I didn't respond. Ugh it makes me sick. I didn't even realize you said it.
Some fun ones I love:
"Just walked into UDF and went hard buying milk..." -because you knew I hated when people say I go hard
"Hey my name is Amy, please allow me to tell it to ya!"
"I Heart u"
"HEY YOU WOODCHUCKS!!!!!!"
- Amy Hogan I had 8 cupcakes.December 2, 2010 at 9:01am ·
Your last message to me, one day before you died, will always stick with me:
"i see u got u a lil southern lover lol thats wassup i'm happy 4 u ma. he better not break your heart..."your achy breaky heart!"
I didn't even get a chance to respond :( I love you and miss you already Jason; I can't believe you're really gone. As long as I’m alive, your memory will never die. Your string of lights will always be bright to me. See you when I get there, but in the mean time say hi to my daddy for me.
When I heard you were gone I immediately thought of this song...
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