Late last week I was at my mom’s house working on a DVD of a recent vacation. My sister and I were laughing and acting ridiculous as usual; excited to go through our Mexican vacation pictures. My mom walked in the room and told us that our brother’s long time friend and best man in his wedding had committed suicide. I was shocked to say the least. I had met him several times. My brother would have house parties that he attended, always seemed like a really nice guy. I didn’t know anything about him however.
My first reaction to suicide is ‘what a selfish asshole.’ I’ve always thought that things can NOT be that bad that you take your own life and leave those who love you wondering what they did wrong. Could they have stopped you? Were they not enough? Why wouldn’t you just sell all your possessions and move to a beach of the coast of Mexico or Belize. Anything has to be better than death. I felt horrible for my brother but felt angry with his friend.
Friday after work I decided to pick up a bottle of my brother’s favorite whiskey and drop it off to him. My dad used to call whiskey his ‘medicine’ and I think my brother has followed in his footsteps on that one. Anyway my brother started to talk about his friend. About his background, upbringing, and how he’d been in the last 15 years they were friends.
He grew up in New York as an only child in a home without his father. His mother was never home; too busy with work. He had several failed relationships in his adult life because he absolutely didn’t want children. He had extreme highs where he was an amazing person to be around, but when he got depressed he was really depressed, he kind of went in his own little bubble and sulked. I understood this personality because I too have a friend with the same types of traits.
Over the long weekend I thought about it more and more. What would I do if I didn’t have my brother, sister, my mom, my step-dad, my step-mom, my father growing up, my cousins who are like my sisters, aunts and uncles that love me like their own. Where would I be? Who would I be? When life got tough and I didn’t have all of them as my backbone what would I do? I’m not in anyway condoning what my brother’s friend did. However, I can no longer judge it. Anyone I know and love is welcome in my family and my family of friends. I’ve always said the more the merrier. But when it’s not actually yours I get it. However there is a point when you should open your heart to people who are willing to love you to life. Life can get better, if you let it.
2 comments:
Another AMAZING post Amy! Seriously, you should really consider becoming a writer. You have an amazing talent at writing. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Take it or leave it.
I can understand your initial feeling and final feeling. It's always confusing to me as well. But through the few suicides that I have been made aware of, I have always found that there is something else going on behind the scenes. Again what I've learned from this suicide is, if there is anything I can do moving forward it is to be more aware of what's going with my friends and in their lives. One of the many blessings us Hogan's inherited is a sense of humor and a way of looking at life that is in a funny, positive way.
Please pass our condolences on to the family and especially Jimmy. If possible, please give him a big squeeze for me. I will be praying for everyone in the coming days.
Love you cuz,
Kathryn
aww thanks Kathryn, I've been trying to do more and more of it. I will send them your love :)
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