Black

I've said it a lot but apparently it needs to be said again; I am incapable of relationships. So much so that I think it might actually be becoming a problem. I started dating. This time a really nice person. I thought for a little bit my inability to let someone near me possibly had faded. Unfortunately I was brought back to my reality pretty abruptly. It's really odd. It's not like I no longer care for this person has a human but all emotional attachment completely ceases. Out of no where and there's really not a clear, good reason for it. It's like my heart turns to steel.

The only explanation I can come up with is the loss I've gone through. Not only of my father but also of the relationship I had with a man for over 4 years. Although I know I don't want the latter relationship back, and the first loss doesn't have me moping around anymore; what else would cause such ridiculousness??

My best female friend just thinks I haven't met the right one yet. That once I do all that pain and hurt I've felt will fade away. My best male friend (who also suffered a pretty traumatic loss) thinks I need therapy, lol. I guess I shouldn't laugh at that, a lot of people who suffer a loss of someone very close to them do see a therapist and there is nothing wrong with that. I really could never see myself sitting on some one's couch blabbing about things that I just need to get over. Boo Hoo me, nice men like me and I just can't like them back long enough to develop a relationship. I guess I feel like it's something I will work out somehow. The how I don't know yet. What I do know is that I really need to stop dating all together. I feel absolutely terrible for hurting people. I am honestly acting like my ex did off an on when we were together. I guess I can say I understand why he did some of the things he did. Only difference is I refuse to drag someone through my mess for years on end.

Maybe I just need to keep on writing. It helps a little. That can be my therapy.