Silence

I'm actually quietly and secretly happy about my new predicament. I haven't completely shed myself of a relationship in close to five years. I've always had that weight of trying to love someone who is 10 steps ahead of me. Trying to love a stone wall covered in a barbed wire fence. All of us are different in our own ways but he was far more than just different and he prided himself on this. I always wanted to be the one that this "different" man picked because there were many things that were very special about him. I think I may have been the one that he picked but because this stone wall goes about things in such an odd manner; he is just not the one that I want to pick.

I am however excited to also meet the right one someday. I've been in and out of this "different" relationship so long that I don't even know what to expect from a real one. Sometimes I think about a man that I passed up for my stone wall. Someone who I believe was probably real and true. Who may have been exactly what I was looking for. I try not to pine over it, as all things happen for a reason. I try and remember that if things are meant to be they will. I try to be a bit more spiritual and a lot less hard on myself these days.

So now I have no one to look to. No one to give myself to. Right now that's really ok with me. I love the silence. Last night I actually heard my heart beating. Is that weird? Well I thought it was. I was lying in bed reading and all the sudden I heard what sounded like a heart beat. I had to stop and listen and the sound continued for about 10 seconds. I think it was my heart beat. I'm extremely happy I moved. It's so peaceful and I really couldn't be happier with it. I made the decision not to get cable at this point. Right now pointless ramblings and reality TV cloud my head. I watch a netflix movie here and there and then read my book. Sometimes I draw, and sometimes I just sit.

The silence is healing.