GO NOLA update

Since my last update I've had a chance to meet the photography lead; which was very cool. I went from disappointed about not being an actual photographer to excited again. I will get to edit the pics and then sit with the families to talk to them about what pictures they like and get their information to send them the pics! So I will get a good 20 minutes with each family to sit and talk with them. Which means I'll get to hear their undoubtedly amazing stories. I'm hoping I get a chance to use the computer once a day so I can share my stories.

I also was able to meet with my "Go Group." There are 8 of us in a group out of about 300 total. They break us down into smaller groups so we can really get to know a group of people who will be going on the trip with us. Our group definintely is a cool group. Everyone is so nice and I really couldn't be more excited about going. Most people in my group have already gone in years past. I hear it's super fun but also emotional. I'm excited for both aspects. I really can't wait to meet the effected families and hear their stories. What they've been through, what they continue to go through and I hope to help in any way I can.

Things are looking up..........

Excitement!

I've begun scheduling my 'photo shoots' for my project I'm beginning this summer. I can't begin to describe how excited I am about it. More and more I wish I would have stuck with my photography degree. That's ok I'll learn the ropes on my own.

All spring and summer I'll be photographing my closest friends either solo or with their families. Then I'm going to make a homemade book with all the pictures. I'm hoping to have it complete by the end of the summer; it'll be my project to focus on kind of like therapy :)

I've chosen people who I know will always be in my life, whom have impacted me greatly, and people I know I can always count on. I'm hoping once I'm finished with their photo shoot they can write maybe a little something I can put in the book. Doesn't have to be about me or our friendship but maybe about life in general; maybe some words to live by. I'll hit them with that after the photos are finished, lol. Thanks to everyone participating! Photos will start rolling in, in the next couple weeks!

Boring

Athough I can confindently say I've never smoked weed, with today being 4/20 today's lunch discussion at work was about the origin of 4:20. Of course the first person to come to mind was Bob Marley. Since he died in May it obviously didn't have anything to do with his date of death, so the only other assumption was time of death or date of birth. After some googling we found the most boring story on the planet about the birth of 4:20.

Apparently some asshole kids in the 70's got together after school everyday and smoked weed at 4:20. How retarded. If I was a pothead I think I would be outraged at this ridiculous discovery. Our lunch table decided to stick with a Bob Marley assumption because, lets be honest, our story holds a little more merit.

In commemoration I watchd 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' I don't know that there is any weed smoked in this movie but it's amazing none-the-less.

Deceptive.

A friend of mine told me today that he believes the human heart is deceptive. I have never thought of it before but I think that statement is completely true. I catch myself all the time desiring things that I don't need or that I know aren't good for me; although I can feel it deep in my heart that I want those 'things.' Is it possible that I try to force normalcy on myself? Or has my daily routine become so 'out of the ordinary' that I can't go back?

No matter how great something may seem, or maybe could be, it can't feel the slightest bit forced. I've become so lost in translation that I can't tell the difference anymore. Am I fighting toward something I want or something I think I want? Do I think I should do things because that's what I'm supposed to do? Or have I really isolated myself so much that I don't desire normalcy? Sometimes I think it's that deep and other times I just think it's not my time. More things need to be done first. I was put here, in this position for a reason and I intend to figure out the purpose.

I'm throwing myself into my photography project. I'm saving everything for Ireland. I'm eating better and exercising. These are things I know will help me find where I should lay. I've most definitely neglected my friends lately. I'll fix that too,

GO NOLA 10

So I received an e-mail from the photography team leader this weekend with some less than exciting news. Apparently all of the photographer positions were filled although I'm fairly confident I responded to the e-mail informing them of my interest at lightening fast speed. Since I am incapable of staying mad or stressing about things I quickly got over it. I am still a part of the photography team but will be assisting or doing graphic design instead. I will still be bringing my camera and still will be taking pictures throughout the entire trip so I am STILL content. Nothing is perfect right?

Black

I've said it a lot but apparently it needs to be said again; I am incapable of relationships. So much so that I think it might actually be becoming a problem. I started dating. This time a really nice person. I thought for a little bit my inability to let someone near me possibly had faded. Unfortunately I was brought back to my reality pretty abruptly. It's really odd. It's not like I no longer care for this person has a human but all emotional attachment completely ceases. Out of no where and there's really not a clear, good reason for it. It's like my heart turns to steel.

The only explanation I can come up with is the loss I've gone through. Not only of my father but also of the relationship I had with a man for over 4 years. Although I know I don't want the latter relationship back, and the first loss doesn't have me moping around anymore; what else would cause such ridiculousness??

My best female friend just thinks I haven't met the right one yet. That once I do all that pain and hurt I've felt will fade away. My best male friend (who also suffered a pretty traumatic loss) thinks I need therapy, lol. I guess I shouldn't laugh at that, a lot of people who suffer a loss of someone very close to them do see a therapist and there is nothing wrong with that. I really could never see myself sitting on some one's couch blabbing about things that I just need to get over. Boo Hoo me, nice men like me and I just can't like them back long enough to develop a relationship. I guess I feel like it's something I will work out somehow. The how I don't know yet. What I do know is that I really need to stop dating all together. I feel absolutely terrible for hurting people. I am honestly acting like my ex did off an on when we were together. I guess I can say I understand why he did some of the things he did. Only difference is I refuse to drag someone through my mess for years on end.

Maybe I just need to keep on writing. It helps a little. That can be my therapy.