Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Four the Record
Writing used to really make me feel better. I say used to because I stopped doing it, not because it lost it's 'healing powers,' but because time gets away. It's funny how the mind, the heart, the soul works. It has it's own timer. You don't remind it how you felt on a certain day or a certain time years ago. It remembers itself, it has it's own clock. It remembers the season, it remembers the smell in the air, it remembers the songs that played on the radio, it remembers everything. So without fail these things trigger the mind, the soul, the heart and they take you back to that place. The place of tragedy, the place of loss, the place it can never forget, without your permission. It takes a while for you to catch up with it too. It's been four years since my father passed away; April 3rd 2008. I'm just now getting 'used' to this uncontrollable cycle. To know why I feel the way I do, and to know that it's okay to let myself go through it each year.
I'm a spring, summer, and early fall type of girl. I do not like the cold for any reason. Snow is only good on Christmas and that is IT. So by February the winter blues are setting in and I am itching for the sun, for green leaves, birds chirping and the sun that I begin to miss so much. For the last few years my love for the coming of spring is mixed with a horribly sluggish and melancholy feeling. The first few years I was unsure of why I felt that way, of course I knew my dad's birthday was coming up and the anniversary was right around the corner, but it wasn't like I walked around all day thinking about it. I always miss my dad but I don't obsess about it like I did in the first year after he passed away. However, every year after he passed this feeling came. Each year after April 3rd I'd visit the cemetery I'd let out my grief and I felt like I could breathe again; I was letting out that lump that gathered in my chest over the preceding few weeks. I'd look towards the sun and know that my dad was shinning down, wanting me to enjoy my life. Each year I'd replace that melancholy feeling with an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart. For my dad, for my family, for my life, I just felt the weight lifted off my shoulders and it always felt amazing.
This year being the fourth year, I felt like I finally knew what it was. I felt like I've always beat myself up over it. I'm not always the most pleasant person to be around during this time. When the feeling of sadness comes, it comes quick. It cripples me almost. It's uncontrollable. I know it doesn't always make sense to other people, and I've always understood that. I love hearing when it doesn't make sense to other people because that more than likely means they've never had to go through something like it. I struggled a lot with it this year. A LOT. At the end of it though, I feel better than I have in years past. Why? Because I accept it now. It's a part of me, maybe it'll get better in the years to come, but I no longer have to feel bad about how it makes me feel or feel crazy. Every single person I've talked to that has lost a parent goes through their own version of the same exact feelings.
I've always been the person to suck up my sorrows and put on a happy face for people. I've always been the person that plans everything and puts everything together for everyone. I like being that person. However, I know now that I don't always HAVE to be that person if I'm going through my "beginning of the spring time blues." I lost my dad. The man who always, from day one, loved me unconditionally. That's gone forever. That's a huge thing. I don't have to feel bad about having mood swings around the time of his birthday and death. People who love me understand me and accept me and might go the extra mile just to make me smile in the month of March. If I get annoyed or frustrated it's known that it's never on purpose. There's something under the surface, something extremely delicate. Something that will stay forever because a daughter's love for her father is unbreakable, even in death.
I wanted to write a letter to my dad, because sometimes I feel like he's disappointed. Sometimes I feel like he... You know what scratch that. I don't think he's disappointed. Maybe he's sorry with me. Maybe he wishes all the same things I do. He however knows the importance of moving on. So here's my letter to you dad.
Dear Daddy,
I have to tell you the most exciting news first! UK won the NCAA tournament!!!!! I followed them in the tournament this year and EVEN bought a t-shirt. If you're not proud of anything I've done in the past four years I'm sure your proud of that! kidding only kidding.
I miss you. Sometimes I miss you so much it's ridiculous. I've become this totally different woman than I was the last time you saw me. I only listen to country music. I have cowgirl boots. I even do shots of whiskey from time to time. You and I would have an absolute ball together these days. The funny part is this girl has always been inside of me, unfortunately you got sick when I was 24, before I got out of my late stage rebellion period, the pictures of me in baggy jeans still get a laugh out of people though. I have a confession to make too, I can barely listen to rap music anymore. I know I know. Believe it or not it's true. We all have stages, I'm sure you did too.
I told you the last day I saw you that I'd make you proud, I know I did. If nothing else for the person I've become. Lord knows I still need work, and I work everyday at it. I get away from doing the things I love sometimes, but I think of you. I think of maybe how you might do things differently if you had more time, or if you knew you'd only get 53 years to be here. Most of the time I try to 'use' your death to remind me what it means to live. What the important things are in life and what's not important. Sometimes I think if you were still here, there's a chance I wouldn't have figured out what means the most. I've gotten myself out and done some amazing things. I volunteered in New Orleans to help rebuild the city after the hurricane. I mentored a little girl, helped her with her homework, took her out away from her crazy family (even though I know you wouldn't approve of me driving through OTR to pick her up.) I've volunteered on Thanksgiving to sit and eat with homeless people so they didn't feel alone on a holiday. I've had my hand in other events too and I wonder if I would have done those if you wouldn't have taught me how precious life is, how blessed I've been to have you at all. Hopefully in the years to come I can do more.
Oh and more exciting news. I'm finally with a man that you would approve of. Remember when you said you wanted to see me with a nice country Campbell County boy? Well I went for an amazing country Alabama boy. I feel like I outdid your request. I think that's why I missed you more this year. Why I had a harder time this year. Love and daddies and distance and missing you and missing him is quite the thing to deal with around this time of year. You know this is a first for me (being with someone I'd be proud to introduce you to,) so I didn't always do the best in dealing with it but Lord knows I did the best I could. I ask for your help with that in the years to come, because this one is a keeper. I have a hard time because I can see you and him and Jimmy drinking beers out by the pool, or at camp or fishing. You would love him I know it. It would have meant the world to me to introduce him to you. It's so unfair that I can't. He teases me the way you used to tease Judy. Just to get a rise out of her. I remember how you always told Mark and Eric that if they met someone that they really liked, they really wanted to be with, that they needed to put that woman on a pedestal above all else, the way you treated Judy. I can see myself finally being that woman with him. It's really a great feeling and I see now that, that is all you ever wanted for me.
I miss your laugh. It was always so contagious. I miss you sense of humor. You could make anyone laugh. I miss having you there when I needed advise about work about men about anything. I would give anything to have a beer with you, you had never seen me drunk and I know you wanted to, just so you could laugh at me I'm sure :) I'm a sports fanatic now, I'd love to sit and watch a game with you again. At the times I get down the most it's because I'm not enjoying something I know you would love to be able to do with me and we never got the chance. There is so much we never got the chance to do together and it's sad, but we can't let it hold us back now, can we? If there's another side I bet you're wishing all the same things. I bet you're thinking about how many laughs we've missed. How many good times we could be having. We can smile and wish they happened, but we can't keep crying because they didn't.
I love you daddy, forever and ever amen.
I'm sure my self timer will go off next year, again with out my permission, but each year I'm sure I'll handle it better than the last. This is most definitely a never ending journey, that makes more and more 'sense' as I live it. This is me and I've struggled a lot with how I'm 'supposed' to handle this. Am I too upset? Do other people feel this way? How am I supposed to feel? What's the right way to heal? Is this or that normal? I've learned there is no right way, and every so often you'll learn something new about your own process, your own healing, and that's okay. It's nothing to constantly feel guilty about or uneasy about. It's a cycle that doesn't end at 1 years or 2 years or even 15 years. I can't expect to understand the process overnight, I have to live it. Most importantly I have to learn from it or all of this would have been in vain.
I'm a spring, summer, and early fall type of girl. I do not like the cold for any reason. Snow is only good on Christmas and that is IT. So by February the winter blues are setting in and I am itching for the sun, for green leaves, birds chirping and the sun that I begin to miss so much. For the last few years my love for the coming of spring is mixed with a horribly sluggish and melancholy feeling. The first few years I was unsure of why I felt that way, of course I knew my dad's birthday was coming up and the anniversary was right around the corner, but it wasn't like I walked around all day thinking about it. I always miss my dad but I don't obsess about it like I did in the first year after he passed away. However, every year after he passed this feeling came. Each year after April 3rd I'd visit the cemetery I'd let out my grief and I felt like I could breathe again; I was letting out that lump that gathered in my chest over the preceding few weeks. I'd look towards the sun and know that my dad was shinning down, wanting me to enjoy my life. Each year I'd replace that melancholy feeling with an overwhelming feeling of love in my heart. For my dad, for my family, for my life, I just felt the weight lifted off my shoulders and it always felt amazing.
This year being the fourth year, I felt like I finally knew what it was. I felt like I've always beat myself up over it. I'm not always the most pleasant person to be around during this time. When the feeling of sadness comes, it comes quick. It cripples me almost. It's uncontrollable. I know it doesn't always make sense to other people, and I've always understood that. I love hearing when it doesn't make sense to other people because that more than likely means they've never had to go through something like it. I struggled a lot with it this year. A LOT. At the end of it though, I feel better than I have in years past. Why? Because I accept it now. It's a part of me, maybe it'll get better in the years to come, but I no longer have to feel bad about how it makes me feel or feel crazy. Every single person I've talked to that has lost a parent goes through their own version of the same exact feelings.
I've always been the person to suck up my sorrows and put on a happy face for people. I've always been the person that plans everything and puts everything together for everyone. I like being that person. However, I know now that I don't always HAVE to be that person if I'm going through my "beginning of the spring time blues." I lost my dad. The man who always, from day one, loved me unconditionally. That's gone forever. That's a huge thing. I don't have to feel bad about having mood swings around the time of his birthday and death. People who love me understand me and accept me and might go the extra mile just to make me smile in the month of March. If I get annoyed or frustrated it's known that it's never on purpose. There's something under the surface, something extremely delicate. Something that will stay forever because a daughter's love for her father is unbreakable, even in death.
I wanted to write a letter to my dad, because sometimes I feel like he's disappointed. Sometimes I feel like he... You know what scratch that. I don't think he's disappointed. Maybe he's sorry with me. Maybe he wishes all the same things I do. He however knows the importance of moving on. So here's my letter to you dad.
Dear Daddy,
I have to tell you the most exciting news first! UK won the NCAA tournament!!!!! I followed them in the tournament this year and EVEN bought a t-shirt. If you're not proud of anything I've done in the past four years I'm sure your proud of that! kidding only kidding.
I miss you. Sometimes I miss you so much it's ridiculous. I've become this totally different woman than I was the last time you saw me. I only listen to country music. I have cowgirl boots. I even do shots of whiskey from time to time. You and I would have an absolute ball together these days. The funny part is this girl has always been inside of me, unfortunately you got sick when I was 24, before I got out of my late stage rebellion period, the pictures of me in baggy jeans still get a laugh out of people though. I have a confession to make too, I can barely listen to rap music anymore. I know I know. Believe it or not it's true. We all have stages, I'm sure you did too.
I told you the last day I saw you that I'd make you proud, I know I did. If nothing else for the person I've become. Lord knows I still need work, and I work everyday at it. I get away from doing the things I love sometimes, but I think of you. I think of maybe how you might do things differently if you had more time, or if you knew you'd only get 53 years to be here. Most of the time I try to 'use' your death to remind me what it means to live. What the important things are in life and what's not important. Sometimes I think if you were still here, there's a chance I wouldn't have figured out what means the most. I've gotten myself out and done some amazing things. I volunteered in New Orleans to help rebuild the city after the hurricane. I mentored a little girl, helped her with her homework, took her out away from her crazy family (even though I know you wouldn't approve of me driving through OTR to pick her up.) I've volunteered on Thanksgiving to sit and eat with homeless people so they didn't feel alone on a holiday. I've had my hand in other events too and I wonder if I would have done those if you wouldn't have taught me how precious life is, how blessed I've been to have you at all. Hopefully in the years to come I can do more.
Oh and more exciting news. I'm finally with a man that you would approve of. Remember when you said you wanted to see me with a nice country Campbell County boy? Well I went for an amazing country Alabama boy. I feel like I outdid your request. I think that's why I missed you more this year. Why I had a harder time this year. Love and daddies and distance and missing you and missing him is quite the thing to deal with around this time of year. You know this is a first for me (being with someone I'd be proud to introduce you to,) so I didn't always do the best in dealing with it but Lord knows I did the best I could. I ask for your help with that in the years to come, because this one is a keeper. I have a hard time because I can see you and him and Jimmy drinking beers out by the pool, or at camp or fishing. You would love him I know it. It would have meant the world to me to introduce him to you. It's so unfair that I can't. He teases me the way you used to tease Judy. Just to get a rise out of her. I remember how you always told Mark and Eric that if they met someone that they really liked, they really wanted to be with, that they needed to put that woman on a pedestal above all else, the way you treated Judy. I can see myself finally being that woman with him. It's really a great feeling and I see now that, that is all you ever wanted for me.
I miss your laugh. It was always so contagious. I miss you sense of humor. You could make anyone laugh. I miss having you there when I needed advise about work about men about anything. I would give anything to have a beer with you, you had never seen me drunk and I know you wanted to, just so you could laugh at me I'm sure :) I'm a sports fanatic now, I'd love to sit and watch a game with you again. At the times I get down the most it's because I'm not enjoying something I know you would love to be able to do with me and we never got the chance. There is so much we never got the chance to do together and it's sad, but we can't let it hold us back now, can we? If there's another side I bet you're wishing all the same things. I bet you're thinking about how many laughs we've missed. How many good times we could be having. We can smile and wish they happened, but we can't keep crying because they didn't.
I love you daddy, forever and ever amen.
I'm sure my self timer will go off next year, again with out my permission, but each year I'm sure I'll handle it better than the last. This is most definitely a never ending journey, that makes more and more 'sense' as I live it. This is me and I've struggled a lot with how I'm 'supposed' to handle this. Am I too upset? Do other people feel this way? How am I supposed to feel? What's the right way to heal? Is this or that normal? I've learned there is no right way, and every so often you'll learn something new about your own process, your own healing, and that's okay. It's nothing to constantly feel guilty about or uneasy about. It's a cycle that doesn't end at 1 years or 2 years or even 15 years. I can't expect to understand the process overnight, I have to live it. Most importantly I have to learn from it or all of this would have been in vain.
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